Top 10

Top 10 Reasons for Marriage Equality, according to the Human Rights Coalition

10. Marriage equality would build on America’s tradition of moving civil rights forward and erasing the inequities of the past. More than 10 nations already allow same-sex couples to get married or to enter federally recognized domestic partnerships. What’s more, the fact that excluding same-sex couples from marriage has a long history in this country doesn’t necessarily mean that this policy is in keeping with American values. The real tradition in this country has been to pass laws to safeguard the American people and to expand laws where they leave citizens unprotected, as was done for voting rights and workplace protections. It is also an American tradition to abandon discriminatory laws, even if they are popular – as were bans on interracial marriage and Jim Crow laws segregating the races in everyday life.

9. Marriage protects couples nationwide. Unlike civil unions and domestic partner registries, which aren’t portable, marriages are recognized across state lines, under the Constitution’s full faith and credit clause. If the question of recognition is left to the states, same-sex couples in some states might not achieve equality for decades. After all, it wasn’t until 2000 that Alabama voters removed laws against interracial marriage from the state constitution – and that was with a solid 40 percent voting to keep the law on the books.

8. Separate is not equal. Although any step toward legal recognition of same-sex couples and their families is a step in the right direction, GLBT families will not be truly equal until they, too, can receive marriage licenses. As American history has proven, a separate but equal system does not ensure real equality. And nothing short of marriage would provide same-sex couples with the more than 1,000 benefits, responsibilities and protections afforded under federal law on the basis of marital status.

7. Public support is growing. The Human Rights Campaign released results in August 2003 from a poll (conducted by the Democratic polling firm of Peter D. Hart Research Associates and the Republican firm American Viewpoint) showing that 50 percent of registered voters support or accept granting marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples as long as religious institutions do not have to recognize or perform these marriages. A total of 47 percent were opposed. There is no consensus in this country around denying the legal protections of marriage to same-sex couples. In fact, polls show us that a plurality of voters support or accept granting marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples. And, according to a Sept. 22, 2003, ABC News survey, only 20 percent would agree with amending the U.S. Constitution to ban marriage for gays and lesbians.

6. GLBT people deserve equal access to the American dream. Gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people grow up dreaming of falling in love, getting married and growing old together. Just as much as the next person, same-sex couples should be able to fulfill that dream. We know from anecdotal evidence that after same-sex couples have a commitment ceremony, their friends and family treat them differently – as a married couple. Shouldn’t they, too, have the legal security that goes along with that?

5. Marriage provides families stability and security. One thing that both sides of the marriage issue can agree upon is that marriage strengthens families. Children are more secure if they are raised in homes with two loving parents who have a legal relationship with them and can share the responsibility of parenthood. According to conservative estimates from the 2000 census, there are more than 1 million children being raised by same-sex couples in the United States. Without the ability to establish a legal relationship to both parents, children of same-sex couples are left without important protections, such as Social Security survivor benefits. These children should not be penalized just because their parents are gay.

4. There are hundreds of ways in which state laws take marital status into account, including some of the most basic of human rights. State laws protect married couples in extremely important ways, such as allowing hospital visitation, the right to inherit without a will and the right to make decisions in a medical emergency. Some of these can be secured through costly legal documents, but not all of them can. Furthermore, same-sex couples – who pay the same taxes and work just as hard as other couples – should not be forced to pay higher taxes and high legal fees just because of whom they love.

3. The Constitution promises liberty and justice to all Americans, not just the majority. Opponents of marriage equality are pushing a divisive measure that would amend the U.S. Constitution to state that marriage “shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman.” The Constitution has been used throughout American history to ensure, protect and expand the individual liberties of Americans. It has never been amended to single out a class of people for unequal treatment, but it has been amended to grant freedom of speech, religious liberty and voting rights for women. The Constitution should secure equality, not restrict it.

2. No religious institution would be required to perform a ceremony. Just as no religious institution can be required by the government to marry an interfaith couple, no religious institution could or should be told to marry a same-sex couple. Right now, the government fails to ensure religious freedom when it refuses to honor the unions of same-sex couples performed by one religion the same way it honors those of opposite-sex couples.

1. There are at least 1,049 protections, benefits and responsibilities extended to married couples under federal law, according to a 1997 study by the General Accounting Office. Gay and lesbian couples in lifelong relationships pay higher taxes and are denied basic protections under the law. They receive no Social Security survivor benefits upon the death of a partner, despite paying payroll taxes. They must pay federal income taxes on their employer’s contributions toward their domestic partner’s health insurance, while married employees do not have to pay such taxes for their spouses. They must pay all estate taxes when a partner dies. They often pay significant tax penalties when they inherit a 401(k) from their partner. They are denied family leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act. All American families deserve these crucial protections.

State of our union

As I listen to our evangelical, war-mongering president give the State of the Union address, I decided to check out the state of our union as it pertains to gay marriage. Not pretty.

My other girlfriend

 

Extreme close-up

 

Love enough

*** to be continued ***

I am going to address the harder of the two questions first: how do you know if you love someone enough to marry them? And because answers to this continue to occur to me, I will probably update the list with periodic posts.

Kelley, how do I know if I love you enough to marry you?
I don't think there is one answer but an accumulation of clues.
When something great or awful or sad or scary happens to me, you are the first person I think to call. And I do, frequently.
I find it charming when you walk around the apartment in just your slippers.
You are the only person who can talk me out of a funk.
I have no trouble imagining us as old ladies laughing and bickering about things we always laugh and bicker about: for instance, the correct way to make a bed.
I really want you to beat me at games.
Holding your hand while we fall asleep feels complete.
When you talk about your ex-girlfriends I feel a tiny bit jealous but never threatened.
I slather mayonnaise on your sandwiches even though I think it's gross.
I take pride in your achievements and admire how you handle loss.
I stopped looking for better because you satisfy all the needs of a lover and a friend, but you do not expect to be my only friend.
When I was wallowing over the question -- do I love her enough to marry her -- I did not hesitate to tell you. I knew we could figure out the answer together.

Six months, yikes!

Where is the time going? Only six months til the ceremony? I better start working out more often. I mean, it was so cold yesterday and I was so stressed out and tired that I binged on beef. I had spaghetti and meat sauce for breakfast and dinner and a cheeseburger for lunch. Sure sign of love and comfort.

OK -- Six month countdown a la David Toussaint:

1. Order all stationery, including thank-you notes. This is done except for the thank-you notes and any inserts on a Chicago reception. Maybe I will call about that tonight.
2. Go over the music list with your DJ and/or band. Hmm. That would be Kelley and our iTunes. I think the most recent song she downloaded was, "Crazy." Not the Patsy Cline version. The K-Ci & JoJo version. Don't know it? You will after the reception.
3. Choose a menu with your caterer. Done. But I should probably email him just to check in.
4. Make a final decision on all flowers. Nope. Don't need to do that until July, sez our florist.

Whew. OK. So I am not that far behind. Just the love handles have to go.

Other people's weddings

I started the year off with two marriage-related stories at work.

Couples ring in new year with wedding bands
Sunday, January 1, 2006
By Kati Phillips
Staff writer
Eva Beyer and John Camphouse announced their engagement on Independence Day.
So it was only fitting that the wedding date be on a holiday as well, New Year's Eve.
"We wanted to begin the new year as husband and wife and have an anniversary date that everybody can celebrate," Beyer said.
New Year's Eve weddings have become more popular and accepted in recent years, said Kathleen Murray, senior editor of The Knot, a leading wedding media and services company.
In the past, couples didn't want their guests to feel obligated to spend their holiday at a wedding. But as weddings became more elaborate and guest-centered, attitudes changed.
"A wedding is the perfect plan for New Year's," she said.
The holiday presented perfect symmetry for Kelly Wood, a spokeswoman for Little Company of Mary Hospital in Evergreen Park.
She got engaged last Dec. 31 when her beau of seven years, Mike Cusack, got down on one knee at the Signature Room in the John Hancock Center.
They incorporated New Year's Eve into the ceremony and reception.
The wedding was held fashionably late at 8 p.m. in a Lakeview Catholic church with the reception afterward at a hotel near Navy Pier, the site of Chicago's huge New Year's Eve fireworks show.
The nearly 200 guests received mini champagne bottles as favors, and there was a midnight toast. It was an adult-only affair.
"Even my single friends are excited because they don't have to make plans," Wood said before the event.
Winter weddings have not displaced spring and summer ceremonies, though.
June, July and August consistently are the most popular months to apply for marriage licenses in Chicago and its suburbs.
In August 2005, 4,274 licenses were issued, according to figures provided by Cook County Clerk David Orr's office. The number plummeted to 2,300 in November. The licenses are good for 60 days.
But New Year's Eve was expected to be the busiest holiday of the year at marriage court, said a clerk spokeswoman. Three judges, instead of the regular two, wed couples from 9 a.m. until noon. The clerk's office is expecting about double the usual number of marriages, up to 200, because it's New Year's Eve.
The benefits of holding a New Year's Eve wedding are as prevalent as champagne bubbles, Murray said.
Certainly, such sparkling wine is a drink of choice at both fetes. And New Year's Day is a federal holiday, which gives guests time to recover.
Beyer and Camphouse selected New Year's Eve because it is a holiday they like to celebrate with friends and family.
They walked down the aisle of the Wayside Chapel in Palos Park with the six children they have between them. Since it was a second wedding for both, they opted for a luncheon at home with their loved ones.
Originally, Beyer thought the party would continue into the evening. But her fiancé surprised her with a reservation at a romantic spot in a Michigan resort town.
"We will bring in the new year just the two of us," she said last week.
Winter weddings are not guaranteed wonderlands, said Laura Dilallo, owner of Weddings by Design in Orland Park.
The ceremonies can be marred by unpredictable weather and predictably high costs.
Some sites request a premium price in lieu of throwing a traditional party with cover charge. Flowers are more expensive out of season. And subsequent anniversary reservations have to be made far in advance for prime dinner spots and hotels, which often jack up prices for New Year's Eve.
Dilallo, who is coordinating Bears player Charles Tillman's wedding, once turned down a New Year's gig.
"I said, 'You know what, I don't want to work on New Year's,' " she remembered.
Wayside Chapel in Palos Park is traditionally closed for the same reason, said wedding coordinator Bonnie Rusnak.
After a flurry of inquiries about this year, one reverend agreed to preside over services at 9 a.m., 11 a.m. and 1 p.m., but nothing later. No brides were enticed by the morning slot.
"I had brides say, 'I'd have to get up at 3 in the morning' to get ready," Rusnak said.
All things being equal, couples who wed on the last day of the year say they will never be without festivity and good cheer.
New Year's Eve means party time and is an easy date to remember, even for grooms like Wood's.
"He will be in trouble if he ever forgets an anniversary," she said.

Surprise!
Beverly man becomes first to marry in Cook County in 2006
Wednesday, January 4, 2006
By Kati Phillips
Staff writer
Joseph Clair became an accidental groom Tuesday when he stopped by the Cook County clerk's office on the way to work in downtown Chicago.
The Beverly man and his fiancee, Deborah Steimel, wanted to pick up a marriage license so they could hold a civil ceremony in the coming weeks.
The couple wanted to be legally married before moving in together. A graduate of Marist High School and University of Notre Dame, Clair said they have a church ceremony planned for October.
But Clair and Steimel were the first marriage license applicants to walk through the doors in 2006, which afforded them the chance to be married on the spot with Cook County Clerk David Orr presiding.
"It was a little more than surprising, it was overwhelming," Clair said Tuesday afternoon. "We've been looking back smiling all day."
Orr is the only county clerk in Illinois with the authority to perform marriages. He asked a judge to waive the standard 24-hour waiting period so he could conduct the ceremony this morning.
To reward the newlyweds for taking the plunge, the clerk's office paid their $30 license fee and provided donated gift certificates redeemable for a weekend hotel stay at the Palmer House Hilton, dinner at Petterino's, and a pair of tickets to a show at the Goodman Theatre.
The tickets couldn't be more appropriate for the couple, who both performed in college theater productions.
Clair, 35, and Steimel, 25, who formerly worked together at Primera Engineers, first got to talking two years ago after sitting next to each other at a performance of "Pirates of Penzance."
The next night they saw a performance of "Hairspray" together and stayed up drinking coffee and talking late into the night.
Clair and Steimel, formerly of Kansas, started talking about marriage last New Year's Eve on the way to a friend's party and made it official mid-year. It is the second marriage for Clair, a father of three.
After the impromptu ceremony, Steimel called her boss and got the day off. Clair briefly went to work at Chicago Public Schools.
"They told me to get the heck out of there and enjoy my first day," he said.
So, the newlyweds grabbed some fast food, took the Rock Island District line back to Beverly and taped the noon news so they could show the ceremony to Clair's children. The kids' reaction: "Why didn't you get us out of school so we could be on TV, too?"
The experience — and the media exposure — was something the couple will never forget.
But the first is not something they are in a hurry to repeat, say, in 2007.
"We'll never have the first baby" of the year, he said.

So brokeback

This may be a little hard to read. But the punchline is that the word "brokeback" is now slang for anything of questionable masculinity. Man bags, for example.

I'm hoping this bit of slang won't be the longest-lasting contribution to society made by "Brokeback Mountain." I'm hoping the contribution will be the idea that you don't really have control over who you love -- be it someone of a different gender, religion, race or class. Repressing those feelings can lead to heartache. Rejection of people who act on those feelings can lead to violence. And the world can do with less heartache and violence.

Diamonds are rough

Kelley bugged me this morning about returning to the giant beanstalk to-be-continued post, but I am putting off the next installment until after I tell this story about our lives, ripped from the "Kate and Ally" archives. It has nothing to do with wedding planning, but everything to do with love.

The story starts about four years ago when Kelley and I were celebrating our first holidays in Chicago. It was Christmas Eve and we decided to stay up drinking wine until midnight so we could open our gifts at 12:01 a.m. Our photo album has great shots of Kelley in a fuzzy, earflap hat that I picked out for her so she could stay warm while walking the dog. And there are several of me and Judy covered in bows pulled from the boxes.

Kelley ordered the gifts I opened to build up to her favorite two. I opened the penultimate box to find a sparkling evening gown with a dangerously low back. Whether it was the wine or my body consciousness, I immediately burst into tears. First I cried about how I could not wear the dress. Then I cried because I hurt Kelley's feelings by crying at her gift. Then I think I just cried for crying sake. Blame it on the wine.

So, Kelley tried to calm me down and produced my last gift: a tiny box. Inside was a pair of square-cut diamond earrings. To this day, I do not remember opening them. The dress made such a deep impression, even jewelry couldn't pull me out of it. She had to give them to me again the next day.

Fast forward several years. I wear the diamond earrings every day. I even wear dangerously low back gowns. Things are good. We are planning our commitment ceremony. Kelley lets me in on a secret: she is thinking about using her grandmother's engagement and wedding rings as our own. I am touched by the thought. She loved her grandmother more than anyone. That's how much she loves me.

Driving home from Christmas shopping at a suburban mall, I notice one of my earrings is loose. The back has fallen out -- probably when I pulled off my thick turtleneck sweater to try on a flirty dress that was marked down to $20 (aka, my drug). I immediately take out my earrings and zip them into a pocket in my purse for safe keeping. When I go to retrieve them, one is missing. I cut the lining out of my purse to search. No luck. The diamond is gone.

I mull the thought of telling her I lost the earring. My mind flashes back to our first Christmas in Chicago. It zips forward to the wedding. Will she trust me with her grandmother's ring if I cannot keep a pair of earrings safe? Will she ever give me a diamond again after the way I acted? I take a poll during lunch at work. A couple of the girls say to attempt to find a replacement. I try.

The search takes me to Orland Square Mall at the height of Christmas season. I take my earring, caked in shampoo and whatever else collects on a post behind one's ear, to every jewelry store. Do you have a match? No. Repeat repeat repeat.

I wind up at the mercy of a blond woman in a diamond store. Her hands are shaking from lack of booze or coffee, I cannot tell. She measures the earring, flips through a book and finds she can order me a duplicate for about $225 but it won't be in until after Christmas. I cannot have bare ears that long. I ask the price of a similar pair, round-cut, but the same size. I ask that she replace the posts with screwbacks so I cannot lost them. Two days and $271 later, I leave the store with earrings in my lobes masquerading as a gift from Kelley. Again, this time without wine, I cry.

Though these earrings look different, Kelley says nothing when she borrows them to wear out on New Year's Eve. I offer them to her one morning when she dresses up for a board meeting at work. It's been all of a month with the new pair, and I am feeling bold.

A few minutes later, as I am walking in the rain downtown to meet my ride, Kelley calls. She has lost one of my earrings. She went to rinse it off under the faucet (what!) and dropped it down the drain. She is really sorry. I tell her it's OK. They aren't the real earrings. They are impostors. But I cannot tell her the entire story now because I am going to throw up.

She takes a poll at work. Serves me right. Karma. I should've told her in the first place.

Still, Kelley is touched by my apprehension about her grandmother's ring. She says this doesn't matter in the scheme of things. I will still get a lovely ring. She still loves me.

For now, the lonely, diamond studs are stashed in our jewelry box. The plan is to save our money for the ceremony and to buy cubic zirconium replacements.

Birthday shot for KQ.

XXX

Kelley is having a "traditional" bachelor party. So says our friend John O'Brien who has visions of KQ and a few guys -- including one named "Beef" -- renting a limo and going to south suburban Harvey where the girls dance nude and beers are one dollar. No idea yet on what my party will entail, though KQ has already said I cannot makeout with anyone I don't know.

Road trip!

Judy gets to come. That is the latest news in Ptown ceremony planning. I was hoping to celebrate sans dog. She is a demanding little creature who prefers to sleep between us in the bed. But we decided we should take two weeks off of work and road trip to Provincetown so she can come with us. To prevent her from interfering with our romance, she will room with Kelley's little sister or other guests on a rotating basis.

Lady/gentleman

One of the best things about our ceremony is that we get to write it. I am finding the material and Kelley is acting as editor, complete with a red pen. This is one of the poems that she nixed but that I love anyway.

“My Lady Ain’t No Lady” by Pat Parker
my lady ain’t no lady
she doesn’t flow into a room –
she enters & her presence is felt.
she doesn’t sit small –
she takes all her space.
she doesn’t partake of meals –
she eats – replenishes herself.
my lady ain’t no lady –
she has been know
to speak in loud voice,
to pick her nose,
stumble on a sidewalk,
sweat at her cats,
swear at me,
scream obscenities at men,
paint rooms,
repair houses,
tote garbage,
play basketball,
& numerous other
un lady like things.
my lady is definitely no lady
which is fine with me,
cause I ain’t no gentleman.

Glass slippers

Never one to avoid asking the hard questions, I kept Kelley awake one recent evening chewing on these two: Isn't it weird for two women to get married? And, how do you know if you love someone enough to marry them?

The first was a throwback to a phone call with my mother. She chastised us for opening our Christmas presents early and for wearing our commitment bands now. At one point I think she asked how we could imagine raising a child in a household so steeped in instant gratification. Just to ice my cake, she also said our wedding is not real; it is just an excuse to have a party. If we were already wearing our rings, why should she even go. That sort of thing.

Always one to avoid conflict, I didn't defend myself in a very convincing manner. But after filling in Kelley on all the details, she called up my mom to tell her my feelings were hurt and to try and smooth things over. This also spiraled out of control; my mom insulted Kelley's family and they resolved nothing. I felt awful for Kelley getting bitched out when coming to my defense, but I was also proud of her for sticking up for me when I was shrinking. As she said later in her movie wisdom, "Nobody puts (my) Baby in a corner."

Anyway, that all worked itself out when my mom called crying on my voicemail, apologizing and asking if she could still live with us when she is old. The message didn't address any of our issues, but it was loving in our family's way and enough for now.

So, how did this prompt me to lose sleep over the "weirdness" of gay marriage? I think it just planted the seed of doubt. The seed that if not immediately talked out grows in to giant beanstalk proportions.

*** To be continued. ***