Chain gang

A ball and chain armband for your special butch bride. Biceps are on the brain today.

Flex

From a weightlifting bride:

If I want to show off my biceps and trespass (hmm, I think I have those) I should tie fishing weights inside of my bouquet.

Is that sick or inspired?

Kelley's choice

A search through newspaper archives of the Kennedy-Bessette wedding shows that Carolyn actually carried a bouquet of lilly of the valley, the flower Kelley suggested for my bouquet and hair.

Vow inspired

Marriage Chant
by songwriting master Greg Brown

marriage is impossible marriage is dull
your dance card is empty your plate is too full
it's something no sensible person would do
i wish i was married i wish I was married
i wish i was married to you

marriage is unnatural marriage is hard
you rotate your tires you work in the yard
you fight about nothing every hour or two
i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was married to you

the children throw fits in airports & such
they projectile vomit on aunt ruthie at lunch
& your in-laws know just what you should do
but i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was married to you

i'd like to fix you my special broth when you're sick
i'd like to fight with you when you're bein' real thick
there is no end to what i would like to do
i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was married to you

i like the roll in rock & roll
& all i know is you're the sister of my soul
& we make a circle just we two
& i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was married to you

the sky unpredictable mysterious the sea
do we wish most for what never can be
it never can be i guess that's true
but i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was uh huh huh to you

the grass is always greener is what they say to me
if I was your husband maybe I'd agree
i like brown grass & vows that stay true
& i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was married to you to you to you mmhmm to you

Balk-balk

Just say no to Chicken Dance.

Their songs

Check it out: on Itunes apparently you can download other people's wedding CDs. I realized this one night while reading Harry Potter in the bedroom. I could not believe my ears. Was that the "Chicken Dance" emanating from our computer in the living room and giggles from my very own Ms. Quinn?

Help me wedding fairy. I thought we were debating whether Bright Eyes or Sleater Kinney sings our love song.

Squeeze box

Over the weekend, Kelley and I braved the 104 degree heat to seek out a cool place to have a beer, watch the Sox game and brainstorm our guest list. The list was like an accordion, at its furthest extension we had 42 friends and family. Then we shrunk it down to 14.

Now, I'm reconsidering the cuts. Maybe 30 is a good number. Maybe we need to invite all 42. Or maybe just 14. I can't imagine the tune. It must sound like a car crash or the song "Memories."

The mitigating factors here are 1) the reception we plan for the weekend following the Ptown ceremony. We are having an open casting call for the bash -- which will just be about drinking and dancing and laughing. And 2) the competing urges to invite a bunch of relatives or no relatives or just my favorite relatives to Ptown.

From 365gay.com

President Bush Tuesday night nominated John G. Roberts to fill the vacancy on the U.S. Supreme Court.
The vacancy stems from the retirement of Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.
Roberts currently sits on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit. He was appointed to that position in 2003 by President Bush.
Roberts attended Harvard College and Harvard Law School and was a clerk for Justice William H. Rehnquist on the Supreme Court.
A conservative and longtime Republican, Roberts served as Deputy Solicitor General. In 1990, he argued in favor of a government regulation that banned abortion-related counseling by federally-funded family planning programs. His brief to the court contained a note that the Bush administration's belief that Roe v. Wade should be overruled.
In nominating Roberts, Bush said he would rule on cases in accordance with the constitution and not make new law, a reference to what Bush in the past has called activist judges in the wake of the landmark Massachusetts supreme Court ruling that legalized same-sex marriage.
"With the Roberts nomination, the right to privacy and the future of a fair-minded Court are in grave danger," Joe Solmonese, President, Human Rights Campaign told 365Gay.com.
"Judge Roberts has disputed the right to privacy laid out in Roe v. Wade, and urged that the case be overruled. Reversing Roe could undermine fundamental rights to privacy and liberty that are the legal underpinning for the freedom of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Americans.
"Judge Roberts has advocated for prayer in public schools and for weakening the wall between church and state," Solmonese noted. "He should make clear whether or not he would distort religion for misuse as a proxy for discrimination. Americans deserve a justice who will uphold the separation of church and state.
"The unique powers of the Supreme Court, including the power to revisit previous Supreme Court decisions, mean that Judge Roberts’ record should be subject to rigorous inspection," said Solmonese.
Lambda Legal, which is fighting lawsuits in several states on behalf of same-sex couples seeking to marry also expressed concerns.
"We don't have a position yet on John Roberts yet, but there are troubling things in his record that we need to take a careful look at," Michael Adams, director of education for Lambda Legal told 365Gay.com
Roberts was one of five prospective nominees whom Bush met with between Thursday and Saturday, according to a senior administration official who provided details of the selection.
Bush did not ask Roberts any questions about abortion, gay marriage or other specific issues that might come before the Supreme Court, the official told The Associated Press.
Although there is little on the record to indicate how he would vote on LGBT issues, Roberts received bipartisan support as a nominee to the federal bench.
Roberts' nomination is the president's first chance to place a justice on the high court and he may not have as easy a time in confirmation hearings for the Supreme Court.
"All questions are legitimate," New York Democrat and Judiciary Committee member Charles E. Schumer said earlier this month. "What is your view on Roe vs. Wade? What is your view on gay marriage?"
Other Democrats on the Judiciary Committee agree that all issues, including same-sex marriage, should be put to a nominee for the high court. They include Patrick Leahy of Vermont, Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts, Joseph Biden of Delaware.
And, Democrats are not discounting using a filibuster to sink a nominee they think too extreme. Democrats have been bracing for a showdown over the Supreme Court for more than a year.

The IRS blows

The last two weeks we've spent most of our time thinking about money -- earning it, sharing it, paying off debt and paying up front for the wedding. We were hyped about Cook County's domestic partnership benefits because it looked like they would save us mucho dinero on my health insurance. But we forgot that we're ahead of the times.

The fine print shows that if Kelley puts me on her health plan and we aren't legally married (which we can't be in Illinois), she will have to pay taxes on whatever my premium costs. The shitty thing is she'd have to pay the tax all at once, basically at the end of the year when she's used to getting a nice tax return. It would end up costing us more than paying for two separate health care plans.

Maybe instead of suggesting our guests contribute to a honeymoon account, we'll solicit donations to Lambda Legal or another gay marriage lobby group. That has the potential to pay off more in the long run.

I just have to remember, we're doing this for us. Not for the feds. And if enough of us do it, they will come around.

Ahhhh!

Plunge

The wedding is tentatively set for July 30, 2006, the date of my 30th birthday, also known as my golden birthday. In typical Leo fashion, I like to celebrate my birthday over several days, demanding everyone around me eat what I want, sleep when I want, do what I want and drink what I want. And I like to think everyone has a good time. In fact, I probably have pictures to prove that.

By holding the wedding on the alignment of my age and date, I extend that power to us as a couple. I also pay homage to my grandfather, who married my grandmother on his birthday. It just seems like the ultimate thing to share.

That brings me to plans for my 29th celebration. I've decided to confront my longstanding fear of heights, which is not unlike my plans to confront my longstanding fear of marriage. KQ and I are headed to Six Flags for my first-ever roller coaster ride. I need to figuratively take the plunge before actually taking the plunge. The American Eagle, my wedding metaphor.

All aboard

This is as close as we'll come to a yacht.

Cake vs. crumbs

The following editorial ran in Newsweek's July 4 issue. The similarities in our situations are remarkable, but I thought it was interesting that we came to different conclusions. Kelley and I don't consider our P-town wedding to be fake. It won't be legal in the eyes of our government, but it will be real to us and our families. We're ready to make the commitment even if our President isn't ready to recognize it. If and when gay marriage is allowed, maybe we'll go see a judge at the courthouse and do it all over again. Maybe not. But I will take a small bit of credit for blazing the trail for those who are holding out for the "real" thing.

My Turn: I'm Not Willing to Settle for Crumbs
Without the option of a 'real' wedding, we're left to try to document our commitment with legal papers.

Kim Severson
Newsweek
July 4 issue - There is such a sweet light in the face of the straight people who want me to get married. It starts with that sparkly, conspiratorial smile. They squeeze my arm, leaning in like a favorite auntie. "So," they say, "are you going to Massachusetts?"
I can barely stand the kick to the curb I'm about to deliver.
I would love nothing more than to marry my partner. I love this girl. I want the dinner and the dance and the promise of her Social Security check if, God forbid, she dies young. I want a joint tax return and the family discount at the health club.
I also want some return for the years I've spent giving straight people wedding presents. I want everyone at the office to gasp at my engagement ring and pitch in for a bad bakery cake to celebrate. I want the magic of the day I was conditioned to hope for.
That's not going to happen by going to Massachusetts, where same-sex marriage has been legal since 2003. Sure, I might get the cake and a little slice of symbolism, but any legal or financial advantage would dissolve once we left the state. For gay couples like us, marriage is about collecting paper.
Our commitment is measured by the size of our legal files, which grow each time we move to a new state or accumulate property or struggle to ensure that one person's retirement account will go to the other.
Say my girlfriend and I did take what would be an unquestionably romantic trip to Massachusetts. We'd have to start our married life off with a lie, since you have to declare your intention to live there. We'd have to wait three days for a license, then get a certificate saying we don't have syphilis and listen to a lecture on AIDS (a nice bit of equality with our straight brothers and sisters). For the drive, we'd stock the glove compartment with our medical powers of attorney and hospital authorization forms. That way, if we got in a car accident and one of us needed to get into the other's hospital room or make some hard decisions, we wouldn't get shut out while doctors tried to reach our parents.
Then there's the general power of attorney, which is good, all-round backup. We'd also tuck in the New York City domestic-partnership certificate we got at city hall. It cost us $1 more than the license straight people buy, for reasons I can't suss out. (My girlfriend says it doesn't really give us much except the right to visit each other in Rikers. Still, it might work in a pinch.) All this, on top of the regular pressures of finding a hall, someone to do the ceremony and a florist.
Even if we did decide that one more piece of paper might actually make us married, the government wouldn't care. Consider, for example, our medical insurance. She is covered by the domestic-partnership benefits of my job. That's great, until you run headfirst into the federal tax law. Because the Feds don't think gay weddings are real, even if we did get married I'd still have to pay taxes on an extra $9,370.20 -- what her medical coverage is worth.
Don't get me wrong. I applaud the right-thinking folks in Massachusetts, Vermont and Canada. I appreciate the recent battle in Connecticut, where we get something that looks a lot like marriage but isn't called that. This is a civil-rights battle rooted in love, and it's moving quickly.
I'm grateful that in the Blue States and some of the Red it's not cool to fire me from my job based on my sexual orientation. Except for one incident at a weird resort near Kansas City, Mo., my girlfriend and I have never been hassled when we've asked for a double bed. Even high schools have gay-straight alliances now. The only gay-straight alliance at my school was when the straight kids called me a lezzie.
I understand the emotional draw of a legally sanctioned ceremony. We were living in San Francisco when gay marriage started breaking out all over city hall one Friday afternoon in the winter of last year. My girlfriend was covering it for the daily paper, and she called me to come watch what was a historic moment.
I saw people on the steps of the beaux-arts building, weeping and kissing. On that glorious day, it felt as if I could have what all my straight friends had. I hadn't known how heavy the oppression was until it was lifted, even for a moment.
We didn't get married. My girlfriend believed that as a journalist, she couldn't be a part of a story she was writing about. (The old journalistic-objectivity excuse—like I haven't heard that before.) She didn't buy my argument that straight, married people shouldn't be able to cover it then, either.
The truth was, we didn't want to rush it. Isn't the whole point of getting married to have your brothers make stupid toasts and your mother cry and your friends swear to help keep you together when you're falling apart—to craft a public sharing of love? Marriage is not about driving to a place where you don't live or settling for a ceremony that will be recognized only there.
It's my wedding, damn it. I don't want the crumbs. I want the whole cake.
Severson lives in New York City.
© 2005 Newsweek, Inc.

WDCBD?

In thinking about the wedding bouquet, I found myself wondering "What did Carolyn Bessette do?" I can't tell from the photo. I hope the New York Post has a good archive.

Part Saint Bernard

Judy helps Kelley recover at home.

Delayed

Bless me blogger, it has been two weeks since my last post. But I have a good reason.

Kelley went in for emergency surgery last week and is just now getting back to normal. I didn't feel like writing about "us" while we were working on "us."

A sick bed tests a relationship. It is easy to promise "in sickness and in health" when your biggest complaint is indigestion.

Kelley had a bit more than that. Her outpatient laparoscopy was supposed to knock her off her feet for a couple days. Her abdomen still hasn't healed. (Check out a picture in our photo album.)

The day of the surgery I took off work to take care of her. But the following days I tried to squeeze being a nurse in between an education writers' conference, an assignment at Sox Park and a night shift at the newspaper. I ended up doing everything half-assed and feeling like I failed my girl, my job and myself. When I finally had a day off, I was a resentful nurse.

On Kelley's end, she was a good patient. She kept track of her own medicine, took her own temperature and even did chores (the Vicodin didn't touch her OCD). But she was scared about the recovery process and needed someone to listen and comfort her. I thought her independence showed otherwise. She was too upset to set me straight.

With the worst behind us, we shared a bowl of ice cream and talked about what went right, what went wrong and how to do it better next time.

When Kelley was wheeled into the recovery room and came to, she cried and asked for me. We took that as a good sign. I kept a close eye on her the first day, and I left my conference early the second day so I could spend a couple hours petting her on the couch, which she appreciated.

Our communication and my attentiveness dropped off after that. But we think we can resolve those issues easily enough.

The sick person needs to be clear about her feelings and expectations. The well person needs to respond as though the sick person is her No. 1 priority. We both need to work on staying healthy.

Sesame streak

Look at the size of Bert's rock.