We do too: October 2005

My Halloween mock wedding party.

I tossed back Old Style instead of throwing a bouquet.

Act your age, title

My 29th Halloween is behind me, though the pictures of me wearing a wedding dress and pumping a keg are yet to surface. My drunken performance earned me a night on the couch and a stern talking-to from Kelley. I need to start acting like a wife, she said.

So far, this is the wife In/Out list:

board games/keg parties
making dinner with her in mind/expecting her to make dinner because she gets home first
rubbing her feet/complaining about the callouses beneath her toes

Bridezilla

I bought two thrift store wedding dresses today. One is three sizes too big. The other is one size too small. But I figured between the two, I could fashion a Bridezilla costume for Halloween, or some other variation on that theme. Pregnant bride? Frankenstein's bride? Runaway bride? Bride of Chuckie? Like a virgin? Something will work. Kelley is a bit disappointed. She wanted to wear her sailor suit and have me dress up like a 1940s housewife to recreate that famous -- but staged -- kiss photo in, was it?, Times Square. I think she should just wear a ball and chain -- or one of the dresses. We could just go as a gay wedding. In the same vein, a couple friends of mine are going as Roe Vs. Wade. One is carrying a paddle, the other wearing wading boots.

Feed me Seymour

KQ made me erase our menu so it can be a surprise. Instead I am posting the food I am most excited about. Mmm.

Passed appetizers
grilled tequila marinated shrimp on pineapple palm tree

Pasta stations
lobster ravioli with pistachio vermouth cream

Bread boardvariety of rolls

Inseminate

If we were shooting for a July 30th baby, this would be the time to sterilize the turkey baster. Instead, we're giving birth to a party. Chin-chin!

The nine month countdown, care of Michael Toussaint:
1. Make time for friends you've been neglecting. Remember they have lives, too.
2. Make a fitness goal so that you look and feel great on the big day -- something more than reading the Men's Health and Glamour headlines.

I'm thinking about running a mile for every person I invite to the ceremony and Chicago reception. The ceremony is small --25 invites -- and the reception is large -- 100+ -- but the goal should be easy enough to accomplish. Maybe I should make it two miles.

I'm also pricing super-bionic scales. We have an Ikea version right now, but the numbers are so small, neither of us can read them when we're on it. And it always says we weigh 130, no matter how much we eat or drink.

Ladies leap

Siddiqui Ray is lifted in the air by spouse Liz McElhinney after they got married at City Hall in San Francisco, February 15, 2004. Hundreds of gay and lesbian couples, some from across the country, lined up outside San Francisco's City Hall to be wed that day.
PHOTO CREDIT: REUTERS

Unfortunately, Kelley cannot lift me off the ground. We'll have to jump over the threshold together.

I'm wearing horns and a veil for Halloween.

Civil marriage is good craic

Wow. Who would've thought that Northern Ireland would surpass the United States -- or just plain old blue state Illinois -- in granting rights to gay couples. When I studied in Belfast during 1996-97, many people were still hanging on to their 800-year old hatred of Catholics/Prods.

Gay marriage gets Derry go ahead
Ben Townley, Gay.com UK
Friday 14 October, 2005 14:42

Civil partnership ceremonies will be able to take place in Londonderry, Northern Ireland, the city council has decided, to the delight of local lesbian and gay couples.
The ceremonies were backed at a council meeting last night, amidst a burgeoning row over the issue.
Following on from comments reportedly made by councillors in the London borough of Bromley and Northern Ireland’s Lisburn council, a DUP councillor said he was against the new laws.
William Hay, who stayed away from last night’s meeting, said he was opposed to the legislation because it undermined marriage.
His comments were backed by other DUP members, according to the Belfast Telegraph.
Councillor Joe Miller said that, while he was opposed to homophobic discrimination, he felt “another way” needed to be found to offer more protection to couples.
However, with the support from SDLP and Sinn Fein, the council voted to support civil partnerships.
Local advocacy group Rainbow Project attended last night’s meeting and said the negative comments about the laws were intended to stoke up anti-gay sentiment.
“Civil partnership is falsely being portrayed by some as ‘gay marriage’ in order to whip up religious fervour and opposition,” the group said in a statement today. “This could not be further from the truth. This is not about marriage, this is not about religion, this is about legal rights and dignity for gay couples.”
Now Londonderry will host ceremonies along with the rest of the UK, although due to discrepancies in the legislation, the province will host the first ceremonies a day before mainland UK.
Bromley has also voted to allow same-sex partnership ceremonies.

New York bad news

This sort of crap is why we must sign power of attorney, etc., papers to protect our rights as a couple -- even though we are registered as domestic partners and are making a public commitment to one another.

Marriage lite
By THE JOURNAL NEWSTHE JOURNAL NEWS(Original Publication: October 15, 2005)
For anyone still trying to understand all the fuss about gay marriage, there's no need to look to California, where Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger just vetoed legislation allowing same-sex marriage, or to Connecticut, which recently became the first state to enact civil unions for gays without a court order. Our New York Court of Appeals offers fresh evidence why the status quo barring such unions here means real hardship to gay couples.
New York's highest court ruled this week that a Vermont man cannot sue a Manhattan hospital for malpractice in the death of his longtime partner, saying it could not provide a "judicial imprimatur" for same-sex marriages. The 3-2 ruling overturned a Long Island judge who allowed John Langan to sue St. Vincent's Hospital for malpractice in the death of Neil Conrad Spicehandler, his partner for 15 years. Langan claimed that the couple's 2000 civil union in Vermont gave him standing, or legal authority, to sue as a spouse — the same way a husband can sue to recover for a harm done to his wife.
Not so fast, said the Court of Appeals, in an opinion that may bode ill for pending lawsuits challenging the state's ban on same-sex unions.
"Any contrary decision, no matter how circumscribed, will be taken as judicial imprimatur of same-sex marriages and would constitute a usurpation of powers expressly reserved by our Constitution to the Legislature," the court ruled. In other words, a gay civil union isn't the same as a marriage, in terms of the rights conferred, and the court won't "read in" a marriage, so to speak, until our Legislature says there's one.
Likewise, the ruling does not bode well for same-sex New York couples who have legally married elsewhere — e.g., in Massachusetts, Canada or Belgium. Gay rights advocates hoped the ruling might lead to New York recognition of those marriages. Instead, those unions remain on dubious ground in New York. No state that so routinely champions fairness, equal protection and liberty can permit such unwarranted bias to endure — not without sanctioning a hypocrisy.
In this case, Spicehandler and Langan shared what the court described as a "close, loving, committed, monogamous relationship as a family unit in a manner indistinguishable from any traditional marital relationship."
But married they weren't; their civil union was hardly enough. Spicehandler died at the hospital after being struck by a car in Manhattan. Langan alleged medical mistakes led to his partner's death from an embolism.
"This court is being asked to create a relationship never intended by the state of Vermont," which recognized civil unions after lawsuits, the court said.
Adam Aronson, attorney for Langan, said he was confident that "this is not the final word."
Our Legislature, with an eye toward ending a wrong, must see that it is not.

Arm chair liberals

A duh moment

I forgot to include this anecdote in my previous entry about shopping for invites.

The invitation is pink. Kelley, ever so butch, favored the azalea (think fuscia) ink. I said, "That's an awful lot of pink. Don't you think it will be too girlie?" She said, "Well," pause, "yeah."

Ba da bum.

Anyway, we are filling out the save-the-date cards tonight while watching the Yankees game. We're hoping for a New York-Chicago White Sox World Series. Go Sox!

Pink martini

Happy to report I've recovered from my momentary lapse of stationery reason. A theme has emerged for our wedding -- let's call it fun love -- which means nothing has to coordinate. The invitation does not need to foreshadow the garden. The font does not inscribe my vows. The save-the-date cards can indeed double as coasters. And I can have a good time whether the ink is jade or azalea or just plain black. (We went with just plain black, thank you very much.) The font, funny enough, says a lot about where we're going with this whole bash. It is called "pink martini." Oh yes. It would only be more perfect followed by "more please."

Myself in paper

Choosing wedding invitations is weird.

I am looking for the piece of paper and font and icon that best represent everything about a day, myself, my relationship.

The invite is not just an invite -- it must evoke the right time of year, set the mood, match the garden, convey our style, be playful but serious.

It must be all things to me and to Kelley. It must express all those things to everyone I know. And it must be cool enough to make it on to their fridges instead of tucked into mail holders.

Can a piece of paper really do that? Why do I expect it to?

Argh.

I thought I would circumvent this whole quandary by ordering save-the-date cards that matched a love note I once sent Kelley. But I found that the design now comes with "Congratulations" on the inside. Somehow, congratulating people for being invited didn't seem right. So, we are off to Paper Doll (www.paperdollchicago.com) this weekend to find the right stationery. Perhaps Maude, the house pug, will be of assistance.

Cape Cod retrospect

How nice it is to sleep in your own bed, shower in your own bathroom and drink your own coffee after a four-day whirlwind wedding planning extravaganza.

Kelley is off to work. Judy is sleeping in a sunbeam. Daniel, my youngest brother and temporary dogwalker, is crashed out in a pile of blankets and pillows on the couch. And I am on my third cup of joe, sixth load of wash and first box of tissue with my Northeastern head cold. I love this morning.

Cape Cod was awesome. The Secret Garden Inn was just what we had hoped. Commercial Street is the main drag in Provincetown, lined with t-shirt shops, art galleries, gay bars and seafood restaurants. The inn is tucked back on a tiny brick path off of Commercial Street, close to the action, but one step removed.

The inn has no wasted space. The front yard is crowded with plants (only the impatiences were still in bloom this time of year) and a brick walkway with room for tables and a bit of dancing. A gazebo sits in the far left corner, a hottub is tucked back beside the porch and the entire space is hidden by a high, wooden fence. The captain's house has about six small bedrooms just big enough for a bed and a bureau and a suitcase, though the colors and fabrics and pillows are luscious and quaint. The bathrooms are shared (except for the bridal suite) and the kitchen is anchored with a large wooden table that is always decked out with fresh pancakes or yogurt or cheese and wine. We spent a good part of our vacation sitting around it with the innkeepers (recently relocated from NYC), their friend Charlie (who somehow got taken off to the drunk tank one night while conversing with drag queens) and two Brits who were on holiday. We drank martinis and watched the Red Sox and tossed a squeaky toy for the resident Yorkie, Chloe. The whole place will be ours on July 28 and 29, 2006.

Tom is a caterer by trade. He whipped up some wedding dinner options for us on his computer. We've already put in our requests for appetizers, food stations and cake -- which will remain secret to keep Kelley happy. We didn't try any of the food he suggested, but he cooked a couple tasty meals for us while we were there, so we're crossing our fingers that our choices will be yummy. Now we move on to price negotiations.

For being the gay wedding capital of the U.S., Provincetown was surprisingly deplete of any wedding materials. There were no stationary options and just one store sold awful cake toppers. We did pick up a book of poems for vow ideas, but otherwise we had to spend our money on "Hillary 08" t-shirts and bowls of lobster bisque.

During our four-day trip to Cape Cod we planned our ceremony in Provincetown and attended the wedding of our friends Dan and Jen in Buzzards Bay. Here is Jen looking particularly fresh and beautiful. Kelley really liked her veil.