Mother of the brides

We're getting married -- it's just not something you should tell your mother while laying on the couch.

That's my line, and I'm sticking to it. It is my explanation for why I got so testy when Kelley tried to force the subject a week ago when we dropped the pooch off at grandma's for our semi-annual Miami vacation.

The three of us -- Kelley, mom and me -- were lounging in her dusty apartment, drinking 12 oz. Diet Cokes and 7 oz. Miller Lites, debating whether to see a movie, get drinks or turn in for the night. (The options can be attributed to my mother, me and KQ, respectively. It was 8:30 p.m. afterall on Mother's Day weekend.)

My mom was blabbing about clothes. She would say something about her outfit for My Brother's wedding, and KQ would reply with something like, "Kati, why don't you tell your mother about the other outfit she'll have to buy." Or, "Kati, why don't you tell your mother about the nice dress you bought." Or (enter something equally inviting and infuriating here), since she was laying on the couch in a Xanex-induced state while I was battling the PMS voices in my head who were shouting: "NOT THE RIGHT TIME" and "MAYBE YOU SHOULD ELOPE," or "CAN'T THAT BITCH OF YOURS AT LEAST SIT UP TO DELIVER THE NEWS!"

So, of course, my mother catches on. She isn't dull as a board afterall. And what does she say? "You guys aren't having the pirate wedding, are you?"

"ARGH," yelled Sibyl in her best pirate voice. Then she and Kati stomped off to bed. Or, well, the inflatable mattress.

Deep breath here.

I was much more amenable to Kelley's volleyball conversation maneuvers the following day. Sitting in a stripmall coffee shop, my mom was asking when we were going to take her on a vacation instead of just leaving her to dog sit. We said, while sitting upright in chairs, that next summer we'd all be going to Provincetown for our beach wedding.

She didn't seem surprised or happy or worried. I don't think she even congratulated us. She jumped right to worrying about how to pay for the trip.

Maybe the pirate ship would've made up for the anti-climax.