Why we do too

As is often the case, I got ahead of myself. I need to explain why "we do too."

Marriage has never tempted me. It's always presented itself to me as a failed, heterosexual institution. A lot of talk about love, connection and loyalty, but not much action. It also seemed anti-erotic, since, for most of my sexual life, I got pleasure from chance encounters with strangers or, often, spontaneous nights with friends.

Then there is the public act of marriage -- standing up in front of your world and making a pledge to another person. Would it all be a sham if the marriage ends? Would I still want to get married if, when it ended, I had to gather my world back together and announce why things fell apart? The list of nouns I use to define myself -- woman, writer, lover, friend -- would be tainted by the addition of "divorcee." I don't want failure to be a part of my repetoire. (I get enough of that as a writer as it is.)

Perhaps those are the reasons I was, or am, more comfortable living the lesbian "lifestyle." I can love deeply and be a part of a unit or union, but there is no outside pressure (from myself or anyone else) to do something, have a wedding, to make it official. I've always wondered at men and women who can live together outside of those confines; they seem at once stronger for resisting and damaged for the resistance.

Kelley and I have talked often about her wish to announce our union to the world and my indifference. And it was simple enough when marriage was off limits to lesbians. I could fall back on the excuse that it wouldn't be real or official or legal, and thus had no meaning.

(my battery is dying. will post later.)